I have wondered if I am ever going to escape my white trash past or if it is embedded within both my psyche and DNA. A kind of societal epigenetics that can be managed but never completely goes away.

For the longest time, I wanted to rise quickly in my profession - partially to prove myself and partially for more salary. I felt once I rose high enough the future would not seem so uncertain and I would stop worrying about money. It has taken me over a decade to finally realize that nothing in the future is certain and everyone worries about a lot of the same things I worry about - including money no matter their salary. The only way to have zero worries or concerns about the future is to be dead or dying (and dying still brings worry).

My dream to be a manager within my profession has been utterly dashed with the realization that I am likely on the spectrum. It will take many years of work to be bring my social and emotional intelligence close to my peers who are not neurodivergent and, in that time, I will hopefully be closer to finding a niche for my particular eccentricity.

I don’t believe my dream is necessarily dead it has just pivoted to something approaching the realization of both my talents and my weaknesses. A big weakness I have is in neurotypical communication. I’d rather stop talking and walk away then deal with those “hard” conversations and that’s not something a future manager should do. There is still a chance that I could move into informal leadership but I will not put too much hope into it.

What will happen will happen and I need to let go of trying to control my fate. I need to stop white-knuckling everything within my life and let my path open up before me.